I’m feeling so horrible again. This is the 6th time already. The pain is so unbearable. This time I know its going to be harder for me, because this time is not his fault at all. This time, I saw how he fought so hard for me. This time he actually loved me like the way how I always wanted any guy to love me. This time I saw how much he has done for me. 

How can I just let go just like that? I tried to ignore the consequences, but I really can’t. The whole cycle keeps on repeating and repeating until I am so tired. My strength is all drained. All I feel is pain. 

Its just so unfair. Seriously what have I done to deserve this? Why wouldn’t his parents like me? I’ve asked myself so many times, and I’m always so puzzled and curious why. 

I really need to wake up. What the hell am I doing now? I know that I am refusing to let go is because I am scared. I am so fucking scared. I am scared that I won’t be loved again; that I won’t find happiness like this. I am so scared that I will be left in pain. I’m scared that I am alone now. 

So here it goes, the 4th time of being forced to be apart in 14 months. Same reason; same cause; same ending. 

This time really I don’t regret allowing him in my life. The pain is worth it. Yes I should be angry at him to be so selfish, but somehow I am not. At least I know he tried his best. At least this time he fought hard for me, and that is what I wanted to see all this while. Just less than one week I can fall back so easily for him, when I almost let go of him. But as I said, I do not regret this time. It might just be a short one week, but I can finally felt what is like being loved by him. No one will ever believe him for the feelings he has for me, but I believe this time. Because the smallest thing he has done for me, and I noticed it. It wasn’t just mere silly words that made me believe. It was because of the feelings and actions I felt from him. I no longer need to tell others is his fault, because its not. It was just not meant to be.

Those memories would be cherished and kept in my heart for a long time. The night where I cried to him in his car, having him to hold me, and cheer me up. Its impossible to not be sad and cry now, but I will be okay soon. The pain might be worse than last time, but I will be okay soon. It might be harder also now to move on since we have classes together, but I know this is a time of testing for me. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I will be stronger than before.

I need to let go of him. I need to wake up from this dream. If I keep staying on, it’ll be harder for him too, and also us to move on. I don’t want to see him hurt again. I know he is having a hard time now, but soon, he will be okay. I need to get back on my feet. No more hoping. I have to let go. No more again. This would be the last. I just have to trust on God with this. I have been so far away from Him. My studies have been affected. I cannot slack. I also realized that I am not ready for a relationship now. I have so much to learn. I am still so insecure like last time. I don’t have the time also thanks to Uni. I have to buck up. I am slacking now so badly.

All the best, Elisha. You will be fine :)

Orientation was today. Had only like 2 hours of sleep. sigh. Was rolling over my bed the whole night. Wanted to sleep but couldn’t. So anyway just found out I have like 28 people in my course? :( All girls I reckon. Omg. I bet everyone is in Help. &I wondered if this is really the course that I want, and won’t regret.

Ponteng halfway and went to Jojo with nick, Mak they all. Sarah came along too.

So first day wasn’t that bad tho. Tomorrow another day ahead. 

Anyway yes I saw him, but I’m finally losing feelings. I show no interest in him anymore. I’m doing things that will occupy my mind, and its pretty much working :) hehe. Thank God for His grace and mercy. Imagine that I was still talking and hanging out with him, I bet I’ll be the odd one sticking to him, and everyone would be staring at me. Because a lot of people dislike him. Not to say tht I’ll be embarrassed and all, but I think I rather prefer my life this way. I don’t want to wait and be too over-obsessed with him. I bet he moved on and all already, but its okay for me. Because this trial is bringing me closer to God. No more feeling guilty, paranoid, scared, insecure and what so ever. I don’t need to wait for him anymore. And I no longer show interest in him or gaining his attention, or having the need of talking to him or wanting to be in places where he is. I am strong! :) hehe. And I don’t feel weak at all now. Thank You, GOD! 

I really need to get back on my two feet again. Seriously is getting harder for me the more I am still holding on &refusing to let go. Things won’t work out. IT BLOODY WON’T. I wanted to even text him just now to wish him, but thank goodness I refrained myself. I’ve found out much more, instead.

He rather choose a lifeless object than me. He actually thought it was better for us like that, as he can have anything he wants now from his parents. He wouldn’t fight for me. He easily said he rather find another better girl that they would like. 

I dont know why, after knowing all this, tears starting coming out my eyes. I was sad, and also very disappointed… This is the third time already. I should have known better. 

Heh, who was I kidding?

You will never ever be the guy for me. You will never change or even grow to be more matured for me. I was never that important to you. You only came to me when you’re bored. You don’t give a damn about how I feel or how much impact you have been in my life. All you what to do is have fun and think about yourself only . You have is your bloody game now. I am now no more a tool to satisfy your boredom. So go ahead and live your life boy. Because I am no more apart of your life. I know it’ll be damn easy for you to get over me, because you never did loved me. It might be hard for me to get over you, but I will. MARK MY WORDS, I WILL THIS TIME.  Good luck in finding the girl your parents would like. I am sure it’ll be quite easy for you, but you won’t find a girl like me that has loved you like how I’ve loved you. You know no shit about the sacrifices I have done for you. take care! :D